Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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