Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
