watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
