Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
