Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
