Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize