i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
