My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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