I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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