Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
