Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
