If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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