You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
