I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
