at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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