My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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