I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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