good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
