Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
