happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
