At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
