Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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