I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
