2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
