please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
