his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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