I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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