anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
