I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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