Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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