Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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