Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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