Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
