I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The struggles of a small town man whore
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
