Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
