Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
