i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She even gives head with a lisp.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
