my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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