I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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