the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
