I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
