please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
