so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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