I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
