i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
