I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
