She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
