I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
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Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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