my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
