don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
