i will never coherently bang her
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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