Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
