in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
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