i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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