How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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