So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
