I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
