My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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