i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
