She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
